Choose

As I’m laying in bed listening to Brooklyn tell her Daddy all kinds of things I feel my heart is full. However, in my next moment I feel the little girl still in my belly moving and I feel sad. I’m sad because I’m ready to start the next phase of my life with another beautiful girl in our family. She is having other plans though. Today I am 6 days past my due date and no sign of change yet.

I know I’m not the only one who has been in this exact same situation. I know that babies come when it’s time. I also know the waiting and wondering can be frustrating, exhausting and stressful. 

I have wonderful family and friends who are so thoughtful to check in on me daily. I am grateful for this and only wish I could tell them something different. But so far I keep giving them the same information. 

I try to keep upbeat and positive but the frustration sometimes weighs on my heart and brings me down. It would be easier if our parents lived close or really any family. We do not have that luxury. My reliance on my friends is more than they could know. I find strength in their unconditional service and love they show me. How did I deserve to be loved this much?

I have found my faith tested this past week. Now I understand it sounds melodramatic but my sweet mom has been here for an entire week and still no baby. She can’t stay for as long as either of us would like and time is ticking away. I  have prayed for understanding, for faith, for an answer but all I keep getting is it will happen when it happens. Doesn’t God understand my help is leaving in a week? Doesn’t He understand I need my moms help? Doesn’t He understand my situation?

The answer to all of that is Yes! Of course he knows, of course he hears me. But am I really listening to Him? Am I hearing what He is telling me? Probably not. I am a realist, a logical thinker. When I lack understanding it frustrates me. When I can’t see any logical reason I start to lose my way. 

While it is only temporary and short lived I struggle with my faith from time to time. I forget that my idea for my life is not as wonderful and well thought out as His plan for my life. I am usually a roll with it type of person. Being married to a man who is frequently injured will force that upon you. I don’t tend to get worked up about much. My emotions are generally even all the time. But this past week most of this has changed.

I have been put in a situation that has made me feel like a fish out of water. I know one day I’ll read this and laugh a lot. But my emotions today are what they are. I own them. I do not hide from them. But I will choose today to not let them control me. It is a choice, it has to be, otherwise the cycle won’t end. 

I choose to accept that my plan is not as good as Heavenly Fathers plan. I choose to accept I’m imperfect and their are things far out of my control. I choose to have Faith! I choose to believe in something bigger than myself. I choose to be happy. I choose to enjoy how ever many days or moments I have left with just Brooklyn. 

Soon I will learn the juggle of two kids so today I will enjoy the beauty of having only one. I will not feel down or sad but grateful and joyful.

Discourgaged

Over the past week or so I have had a feeling that I couldn’t shake. I couldn’t put my finger on it and I just didn’t know what to think about it. It felt very frustrating to not know what I was feeling.

Yesterday, I went to a chiropractor who does muscle stress testing, or in other words a “voodoo” doctor. As a side note, I use to make fun of my mother for going to such doctors when I was younger but I now find them wonderful. This chiropractor has been helping me get some internal issues fixed that conventional doctors have done all they can with western medicine. Not to worry though it is nothing serious just some side effects from an episode with Epstein Barr when I was 17. As the chiropractor was doing his muscle stress testing he found that I was stressed emotionally. I never mentioned anything to him about how I was feeling. He went through the different emotions to see what type of emotion was causing the stress and the main emotion was discouragement. Once he said those words a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that was what I have been feeling.

After I discovered what I was feeling it was a partial relief but the main problem was why? I had a pretty good idea why I was having these feelings but this morning a friend helped verbalize the thoughts I have had. I have been talking with my husband about an idea that I want to do and he is incredibly supportive of anything I have wanted to try or do, however, I just needed an outside support. While at Crossfit this morning, which was totally awesome, I was asking my sweet friend some questions about my grand idea. I told her about my feelings of discouragement and asked if it was normal. As she was telling me her thoughts on the different possibilities she said the one thing that I was thinking as well, “…usually it is Satan.” Another light bulb went off, more relief! So, after sweating out some residual discouragement emotions at Crossfit, I now feel a lot better.

After I went home, I looked up conference talks (talks from leaders of the LDS faith) to help me get over the last of this discouragement. I found several references from talks and in the scriptures. I want to share a few thoughts with you (I will be paraphrasing). “First is doubt. It does not come from the Light of Christ or the influence of the Holy Ghost. Doubt is a negative emotion related to fear. It comes from a lack of confidence in one’s self or abilities. It is inconsistent with our divine identity as children of God. Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit. Discouragement and despair are the very antithesis of faith.” (Elder Kevin W. Pearson, “Faith in The Lord Jesus Christ”, 2009 April General Conference) This quote was the basis of my discouragement, doubt. I have been doubting my abilities to write this blog, to be a good mother, to lose the weight I want, to be able to bench 100lbs, to carry a 205lb man on my back and many more things. Now I am still working towards a lot of these things but today I did carry a 205lb man on my back and last week I started this blog.

My point to this post is that we all have discouragement from time to time, we all have doubts. Someone said, “Do not expect to be free from trouble, disappointment, pain or discouragement. For these things are the things we were sent to earth to endure.” I endured today while carrying my workout partner on my back. I was sweating, hot, feeling a bit weak but I was happy, I was laughing, I conquered my doubt, I endured. Do not get me wrong, I do not believe life is meant to be endured but we are to have joy in this life. There are days though that we must endure and keep pushing through till we see that light at the end of the tunnel. We must have faith. It could be faith in God, faith in Jesus Christ, faith in a friend, faith in yourself, but we all need to lean, or sometimes fall, on our faith till we see the bigger picture. Discouragement is not fun and it never will be. However, like my favorite saying of all time says, “come what may and love it!” If we truly take this last phrase to heart, I believe we would all go to bed every night happier and healthier.