Lessons learned

I have been trying to think of something to post for a little while and many things came to mind but the one thing that kept returning was CrossFit. Nothing in particular came to mind, just that was the main thing on my mind.

I have been doing CrossFit now for over 16 months. This is quite the accomplishment for me. I have NEVER stuck to any form of exercise for that long, let alone 6 months. Which that was back in high school doing sports. I have grown in ways I could have never imagined because of CrossFit. I have recently been hearing a lot of flack about CrossFit and how it can be so bad for your body. It makes me laugh a little (even though I have injured myself). I read something the other day that said, “CrossFit is not dangerous. Bad coaching is dangerous, poor movement is dangerous, ego is dangerous.” I, thankfully, only have the last two to worry about since my box has excellent coaches. When I injured my back it was due to ego and poor movement, I was trying to lift more than I should have which resulted in bad form, which ended up injuring my back. Thank goodness for an excellent chiropractor though.

My post is not on that subject though. I wanted to share things I have learned since I began CrossFit.

I have said before we began our journey with CrossFit merely because one friend said she did it and liked it. We had no clue what we were getting into. We had no idea the obsession it would become. The almost need to work out every week and when you miss, you feel like you missed out on something. How a lot of our personal conversations center around the WOD. Sad, maybe. How when you tell someone who doesn’t do CrossFit that you do, no matter the amount of explanation you always seem to get the same look.

So one of the first things I learned from CrossFit was that I do in fact have OCD. I have an obsessive compulsive need to do CrossFit. I also have an obsessive compulsive need to text my friend about what that days WOD was if I missed it. I don’t think this CrossFit OCD came about till after I did it for a few months.

I also have learned I am capable of extremely more than I think. I am physically stronger than I would have ever know. I would love to say I am mentally strong but I find I struggle with self doubt. I have come to fully face my self doubts and the negative things I think about myself. CrossFit has taught me how to face these things head on and overcome. Don’t get me wrong, I still have self doubts and negativity but I do feel like I have a lot less than before. I remember this summer when we were doing clean and jerks, I told myself you couldn’t do 100lbs even if you tried. So I made up my mind to not try. I was “pressured” into trying and I did it. Was it hard, yes. Just the other day we wore doing the same movement. I was working with a friend and we had 105lbs on the barbell. I walked up to bar and mentally was not in it, I had the power I needed but I just couldn’t get underneath the bar. I actually lifted it to the highest point before you squat or dip underneath but I just gave up. My self doubt took over. However, I will continue to try again and again.

The next, most important, thing I have learned by doing CrossFit is taking pride in my body. Most of high school I was thin, not tiny, but athletic. I have always had “child bearing hips”. My last year of high school I put on some weight. During my first year of college though I lost all of the weight by simply being too busy to eat much. I currently weigh about 10lbs more than I did then but I look way better. I am more toned and more comfortable in my skin. After I stopped nursing Brooklyn I decided to lose the last 20lbs of baby weight that stuck around for me (no, breast feeding was not a miracle for me like others). I learned first hand that it is true, it is 80% diet and 20% exercise. Because of this light bulb going off, I take much more pride in my body, I work my butt off to look good so I have to eat well to compliment it. I am far from perfect at it though. I quite literally have eaten an 8×8 pan of brownies by myself over the last few days. Gross, I know. Delicious, heck yeah. Worth it, not so much. Self control, still lacking some.

This next point was not something I learned but more of something that now has a healthier outlet. I’m competitive. I like to win and be the best. Maybe more than I want to admit. CrossFit has humbled my need to win and be the best. I am far from the best and I am quite honestly, not even in the same sphere as CrossFit competitors or a lot of women I work out with. I have found a few people that are similar to my speed and strength (although they usually still beat me) and my goal is just to keep up. I love the team feeling that happens everyday at the box. I read a thing about CrossFit that said, “CrossFit, where the loudest cheers are for the people in last place.” This is so true. We encourage each other and cheer each other on. I have not gone one day that I have not heard or said something encouraging to another CrossFitter.

I have learned I am actually more easy going than I ever thought. Our box had a “trying” few months while we were being moved around to temporary locations while the owners were trying to get a new location lined out. It was worth the wait but I know during the process some people were upset and discouraged by the whole thing. I found myself not really caring. Was it an inconvenience at times, sure, but it really never bothered me to the point of feeling upset. I looked at the bright side. Working out at the park meant a built in entertainment center for Brooklyn and I got a nice tan.

I could go on and on about lessons learned from working out. The main thing is that I do CrossFit not to impress others, nor to prove to someone else I can do it, I do it just for me. It brings me joy. It brings me self pride. It is a therapy session daily. A bunch of us gals were recently challenged with a 30 day work out challenge. Meaning, we had to workout every day for 30 days. I have done CrossFit 5 days a week and yoga on Saturdays. I admit I take Sunday off or we just go for a leisurely walk. This challenge wasn’t much different than what I have been doing but it has made me think of why I do this. Why do I willingly “torture” myself? Because it has taught me I am so much more than what I ever thought I could be. I am worth the constant sore muscles, the ripped hands, the welts and bruises. I know this for a fact, because the voice in my head that tells me you need to stop and rest or quit is consistently wrong. I always push past that point and it feels amazing.

Emmahuffy

I have been grumpy lately. Maybe grumpy is an understatement, but none the less grumpy. I have been trying to search my soul, dramatic yes, for reasons why. I was first blaming my feelings on others, mainly the hubby, because thats what we do when we don’t want to look in the mirror, we blame others. I have been upset with him because he said he would do certain things and then never did it. In reality, not that big of a deal but it really rubbed me the wrong way.

My Grandpa use to joke and call me ‘Emmahuffy’ growing up. I apparently have always had a tendency to be a bit grumpy. It’s sadly a nickname that has still stuck around with my siblings and parents when the time is needed.

I decided the other day to stop blaming others, mainly the hubby, for my feelings. Because, I am the only one in charge of my feelings, it is not his job to control them. He honestly does the best he knows how and 98% of the time we get along great. This is not a husband bashing but more of an honest realization for myself.

I could give a line of excuses and reasons for my behavior and feelings but why? Why even bother. I have come to understand that I am not going to be happy all the time, nor am I going to be sad, angry, frustrated, ‘insert any other emotion here’ all the time. Life is so full of ups and downs and also the normal, “boring” flat line times. Those normal, “boring” times I enjoy the most. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the ups too but most of the time my life is ordinary, nothing special, just mine.  I love my life and wouldn’t change a single thing about it.

I have a quote on my fridge, it reads, “Never allow yourself to complain about anything, not even the weather. Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else. Never compare your lot with anothers. Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise. Never dwell on tomorrow. Remember that tomorrow is Gods, not ours.”

Every day I read this quote and most days I don’t think too much about it. But when I decided to stop being ‘Emmahuffy’ and decided to be happy and content again, I put this into a lot of thought. Most of my life has truly been normal, hum drum. We have had a few exciting times, like when Bush almost lost an arm and when Brooklyn joined our family, to name a couple. I think back to certain events and sometimes wonder what our life would have been like if certain events never happened. It never ceases to amaze me when you see how well planned out most things are. We would most likely never be in Dallas if Bush didn’t have his accident with his arm. I couldn’t imagine being anywhere but here now.

When you look at events that happen outside of you it is easier to find the whys, hows, etc. Sometimes finding that inner peace when all you want to do is scream is much harder. Of course when I was little I just screamed, out loud, hence the nick name. Now that I am older and only slightly wise, I hear you have to be a minimum of 30 to claim wisdom (only a couple more years), I know you can’t just scream out loud to be heard. Don’t get me wrong, it will definitely get the attention on you but its not very productive. I sometimes struggle finding that inner peace all the time. I am actually a very level headed, slower to react and open minded person. But always having zen is not my strong suit. Give me a crisis and I will handle it like a pro and you won’t see a tear or sweat. Give me a small disagreement and the opposite is true. I do believe this is why I loved being an EMT.

Life can sometimes suck, there is people who much bigger problems and worries, fears, etc. than I have. My problems are minor, mainly just mere annoyances. So why do I struggle with inner peace sometimes? Why do I feel the need and want to bring ‘Emmahuffy’ back to life? I’m not sure. I don’t have the answers, if I did I am guessing I would be making a lot more money by writing books. I think we sometimes need to experience the grump inside of us, we need to embrace this part of us, as crazy as that sounds. We are imperfect, broken beings. We all have had things that have broke us from our perfect whole state. This is why we seek religion, we seek something bigger than us, more meaningful than ourselves.

It’s ok to not be happy all the time, it’s ok to not always find the joy. It’s not ok to be negative all the time though, it’s not ok to always live in that state of mind. This is why I feel we need to experience the grump inside of us, if we didn’t know the good from the bad we wouldn’t be able to experience joy. Love is joy, family is joy, friendship is joy. So to get out of my funk, I embraced the joy that is abundantly surrounding me everyday; my family, my friends, CrossFit, Church, food, my dogs, the list could go on and on.

This is the face of a happy Emily, not an Emmahuffy.