Choose

As I’m laying in bed listening to Brooklyn tell her Daddy all kinds of things I feel my heart is full. However, in my next moment I feel the little girl still in my belly moving and I feel sad. I’m sad because I’m ready to start the next phase of my life with another beautiful girl in our family. She is having other plans though. Today I am 6 days past my due date and no sign of change yet.

I know I’m not the only one who has been in this exact same situation. I know that babies come when it’s time. I also know the waiting and wondering can be frustrating, exhausting and stressful. 

I have wonderful family and friends who are so thoughtful to check in on me daily. I am grateful for this and only wish I could tell them something different. But so far I keep giving them the same information. 

I try to keep upbeat and positive but the frustration sometimes weighs on my heart and brings me down. It would be easier if our parents lived close or really any family. We do not have that luxury. My reliance on my friends is more than they could know. I find strength in their unconditional service and love they show me. How did I deserve to be loved this much?

I have found my faith tested this past week. Now I understand it sounds melodramatic but my sweet mom has been here for an entire week and still no baby. She can’t stay for as long as either of us would like and time is ticking away. I  have prayed for understanding, for faith, for an answer but all I keep getting is it will happen when it happens. Doesn’t God understand my help is leaving in a week? Doesn’t He understand I need my moms help? Doesn’t He understand my situation?

The answer to all of that is Yes! Of course he knows, of course he hears me. But am I really listening to Him? Am I hearing what He is telling me? Probably not. I am a realist, a logical thinker. When I lack understanding it frustrates me. When I can’t see any logical reason I start to lose my way. 

While it is only temporary and short lived I struggle with my faith from time to time. I forget that my idea for my life is not as wonderful and well thought out as His plan for my life. I am usually a roll with it type of person. Being married to a man who is frequently injured will force that upon you. I don’t tend to get worked up about much. My emotions are generally even all the time. But this past week most of this has changed.

I have been put in a situation that has made me feel like a fish out of water. I know one day I’ll read this and laugh a lot. But my emotions today are what they are. I own them. I do not hide from them. But I will choose today to not let them control me. It is a choice, it has to be, otherwise the cycle won’t end. 

I choose to accept that my plan is not as good as Heavenly Fathers plan. I choose to accept I’m imperfect and their are things far out of my control. I choose to have Faith! I choose to believe in something bigger than myself. I choose to be happy. I choose to enjoy how ever many days or moments I have left with just Brooklyn. 

Soon I will learn the juggle of two kids so today I will enjoy the beauty of having only one. I will not feel down or sad but grateful and joyful.