Emmahuffy

I have been grumpy lately. Maybe grumpy is an understatement, but none the less grumpy. I have been trying to search my soul, dramatic yes, for reasons why. I was first blaming my feelings on others, mainly the hubby, because thats what we do when we don’t want to look in the mirror, we blame others. I have been upset with him because he said he would do certain things and then never did it. In reality, not that big of a deal but it really rubbed me the wrong way.

My Grandpa use to joke and call me ‘Emmahuffy’ growing up. I apparently have always had a tendency to be a bit grumpy. It’s sadly a nickname that has still stuck around with my siblings and parents when the time is needed.

I decided the other day to stop blaming others, mainly the hubby, for my feelings. Because, I am the only one in charge of my feelings, it is not his job to control them. He honestly does the best he knows how and 98% of the time we get along great. This is not a husband bashing but more of an honest realization for myself.

I could give a line of excuses and reasons for my behavior and feelings but why? Why even bother. I have come to understand that I am not going to be happy all the time, nor am I going to be sad, angry, frustrated, ‘insert any other emotion here’ all the time. Life is so full of ups and downs and also the normal, “boring” flat line times. Those normal, “boring” times I enjoy the most. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the ups too but most of the time my life is ordinary, nothing special, just mine. I love my life and wouldn’t change a single thing about it.

I have a quote on my fridge, it reads, “Never allow yourself to complain about anything, not even the weather. Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else. Never compare your lot with anothers. Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise. Never dwell on tomorrow. Remember that tomorrow is Gods, not ours.”

Every day I read this quote and most days I don’t think too much about it. But when I decided to stop being ‘Emmahuffy’ and decided to be happy and content again, I put this into a lot of thought. Most of my life has truly been normal, hum drum. We have had a few exciting times, like when Bush almost lost an arm and when Brooklyn joined our family, to name a couple. I think back to certain events and sometimes wonder what our life would have been like if certain events never happened. It never ceases to amaze me when you see how well planned out most things are. We would most likely never be in Dallas if Bush didn’t have his accident with his arm. I couldn’t imagine being anywhere but here now.

When you look at events that happen outside of you it is easier to find the whys, hows, etc. Sometimes finding that inner peace when all you want to do is scream is much harder. Of course when I was little I just screamed, out loud, hence the nick name. Now that I am older and only slightly wise, I hear you have to be a minimum of 30 to claim wisdom (only a couple more years), I know you can’t just scream out loud to be heard. Don’t get me wrong, it will definitely get the attention on you but its not very productive. I sometimes struggle finding that inner peace all the time. I am actually a very level headed, slower to react and open minded person. But always having zen is not my strong suit. Give me a crisis and I will handle it like a pro and you won’t see a tear or sweat. Give me a small disagreement and the opposite is true. I do believe this is why I loved being an EMT.

Life can sometimes suck, there is people who much bigger problems and worries, fears, etc. than I have. My problems are minor, mainly just mere annoyances. So why do I struggle with inner peace sometimes? Why do I feel the need and want to bring ‘Emmahuffy’ back to life? I’m not sure. I don’t have the answers, if I did I am guessing I would be making a lot more money by writing books. I think we sometimes need to experience the grump inside of us, we need to embrace this part of us, as crazy as that sounds. We are imperfect, broken beings. We all have had things that have broke us from our perfect whole state. This is why we seek religion, we seek something bigger than us, more meaningful than ourselves.

It’s ok to not be happy all the time, it’s ok to not always find the joy. It’s not ok to be negative all the time though, it’s not ok to always live in that state of mind. This is why I feel we need to experience the grump inside of us, if we didn’t know the good from the bad we wouldn’t be able to experience joy. Love is joy, family is joy, friendship is joy. So to get out of my funk, I embraced the joy that is abundantly surrounding me everyday; my family, my friends, CrossFit, Church, food, my dogs, the list could go on and on.